On the outside looking in

A few blogs/vlogs/tweets/convos-with-friends recently have got me thinking. It's a feeling/thought that creeps in every now and then and kinda brings me down. It happens when I realize I've made some new friends (more than just acquaintances) but over time our conversations become less frequent. Or I notice that within the group of friends I seem to be the outsider. The one who talks to them or is there to hang out sometimes but isn't included in other activities.This has happend both on and off-line and whenever I notice it I get down.

But I know that part of it is my own doing. I let those feelings fester inside to the point that I sometimes get bitter or upset, thinking I'm not really liked, just tolerated or something like that. I don't speak up, or make my presence known. I sit on the sidelines watching everyone else have fun, being too shy to join in. I'll be some sort of mix of the introvert silently wishing to be talked to or included and the extrovert willing to joke around or lend a helping hand or an open ear/shoulder. I'll stay in and do nothing/waste time not interacting w/ anyone, not b/c I don't like them but b/c I have some sort of social anxiety thing where I feel like I'd be bothering them or that I wouldn't know what to talk about. I'll overthink what I should do and then end up doing nothing but feeling alone.

I know (deep down) that these friends do like me the way I am and wouldn't shun me if I try to join in. Yet I still notice cliques. I notice that they talk to each other but don't include me either b/c they don't quite know me enough or b/c over time they grew closer and I was kinda pushed to the outside. Or I just didn't join in, so I was kinda just forgotten.

I don't want anyone to feel they have to include me b/c of pity or b/c I'm whining about this (though I wouldn't complain if you did, haha). I know I need to make more effort first. I need to join in and at least try to be included. Or I need to not get all mopey/lonely/angsty when I'm not included.

Not sure how to end this, so I'll bring back something I did during BEDA:

Today was awesome b/c
1) This
2) alanlastufka officially released his album he did with Tom Milsom, "Taking Leave" and did a midnight release party on BlogTV (something I joking suggested as a way for those of us not going to the midnight HBP release to still be able to enjoy the night) while everyone else was watching the new Harry Potter movie. During said show, he previewed the music video for the song "Can't" hours before everyone else got to see it. Btw, you should go to dftba.com (or Amazon or iTunes) and buy the album yourself (Alan's donating 25% of his profits to kiva.org)

• Location:still El Paso
• Mood: melancholy
• Music:Dr Horrible soundtrack