So, It's almost that time again

**Fair warning ahead of time. This is probably gonna be pretty long, or at least longer than my normal posts, so if you don't mind that, then read on! :-p**

Seeing as "the love month" is just around the corner, I thought I'd write about some thoughts I had this morning. Granted the thoughts came together better this morning despite my lack of sleep, but when the thoughts were coming I happened to be no where near a computer. I was on the way to my dentist appointment. Nevertheless, I'll try and make this as coherent as it was then (though knowing my head isn't all that coherent, but oh well :-p).

So, it started as a conversation of sorts with God. Love/like/whatever has been on my mind this week in various ways but it was mostly in my head and to myself minus the vagueness from my posts earlier this week and a few conversations with friends. But the One I wasn't taking any of these thoughts to was God. Then, this morning he initiated the "convo" by sending a blog across my path -- one that I might have just skipped over any other day, and still almost did after starting to read it. It was basically two guys reflecting on how they knew they'd found "the one". Now, don't misunderstand where I'm going with this. I'm not ready for marriage yet and am not gonna say that I've found/met my "one". But it was more the conclusions that each of them reached that I think were what God wanted me to see. Guy #1's "a-ha" revelations included the following:

"I truly couldn’t love Toya until I first loved the Lord. I had to stop looking at my life, and start looking at life through God's eyes and how He sees me. It was then that I realized who I was and who I would serve. It was like my eyes were opened."
"Toya was hidden in Christ and I had to find her by first going through Christ. A lot of women are trying to find a mate; the man is supposed to his [sic] mate. And when he has to go through Christ to find her, the Lord can bless it and give him favor. I didn’t find my wife or obtain favor until I was truly living for the Lord." (sorry, for some reason this text wants to be bold and LJ isn't letting me change that)
This is basically what one of my friends was telling me earlier this week, and when you hear basically the same thing from two or more unrelated sources it's usually something you should take notice of, right? And speaking of that, here is what Guy #2 had to say about when he asked God who his wife would be:

"When I asked God, He answered me immediately. He said, 'Carmen'. It was as if He had been waiting for me to ask. 'How did I know it was God?' you may ask? It’s just like when my mom calls me on the phone. I don’t have to check the caller ID to figure out who I’m talking to. Because I’m in relationship with her I know her voice. And even if we were in a noisy, crowded room, I would still recognize her voice above all others because I’ve spent years with her. Her voice is familiar to me.

The same is true of God. When you spend time with Him you get to know Him and how He speaks as it relates to you. Not only did God speak it, but He also confirmed it through the mouths of three others. It was made more than clear that Carmen was His choice for me."

So, again this convicts me that I need to be in conversation with God (through prayer and reading His Word and even through those who also know and follow Him). I have been making an effort to improve in this lately and I've noticed the difference so that is good. There's always room for improvement in this area though, no matter where I'm at.

Then at the end of his section Guy #2 gives his advice to guys and, really, it's all good but I'll just give ya a bit of the part I liked best. I think it applies to any guy in a relationship, not just marriage. Plus it kinda leads into the next part of my convo with God.

"My brothers, your standard of perfection will never measure up to God’s. Some of you are afraid to trust Him with choosing a mate for you because you know He does not have the same hang ups that you do. When you realize the weight of a husband’s role, you will not want to make that choice based on your own intellect. The husband is called to love. Love is service. Love will carry the weight, and keep believing when everything looks hopeless. Love will not give up when your wife wants to. Love will be patient with her as she is transforming, and will be kind to her even when she’s not. Love seeks no glory but will take the back seat and let her shine. Love will keep you faithful even when it's being thrown at you. The level of spirituality in your household is directly proportionate to your faith in God. "

So this stuck with me and while I was on the way to the dentist I started thinking about how these things about love basically come from how God loves us. He initiates and leads the pursuit of us. He is patient and waits for us to come to Him, while still showing his love for us even when we don't come or take a while to come around. He doesn't give up on us even when most of us would. He is kind to us even though most of the time we don't deserve it. In a way He also doesn't spoil us by giving us everything we ask for, because in the end He knows what's best for us and will ultimately bring us joy and closer to Him. Those were the thoughts that went through my head on that short drive. I basically answered back thanking Him for revealing that to me and just prayed that I can live up to that standard of love.

So, ya that's basically all I wanted to say. Thoughts? Questions? Agree? Disagree? (I'm basically saying I want to interact with whoever reads these....stop lurking! :-p I don't bite)

An update mixed with a bit of nerdfighterlike

I've gotten pretty bad at regular updates. but I won't promise to update more b/c promises are to be used for more important stuff, like being there for family/friends, or that person you've chosen to spend the rest of your life with. On that later subject...actually I'll save that for the end b/c there isn't much definite on that front. So I'll start with things a bit more definite.

After more than a year's searching and applying and hearing nothing back I definitely have at least one job again. It's one I had for 3 years, and ended 3 years ago only b/c I was not a full-time student that last semester and I'd worn out the waiver. Then I found out recently that I could re-apply as a non-student (if only I'd known that then, haha). So, I did, and on Wednesday I came in to basically update necessary paperwork. In about a week or so I should be officially confirmed to begin working again as Event Staff at the Pan Am Center! An added bonus is that I'll be earning about $1 and a half more per hour than when I last worked there. Granted, the increase in the minimum wage is partly to do with that, but it was still nice to see. It's the most per hour I've ever had, so I'm happy.

Notice at the beginning of that last paragraph I said "at least one job." That is because I'm also in the process of getting all the requirements met for another job which would be subbing with Las Cruces Public Schools. I still need to do some observations and other little things so I should have some word on that in the next few weeks. I'm more anxious to start that job than the Pan Am job only because it will be the first job related to what I hope to do once I graduate from this school. Which brings me to my next subject...

Am I ever going to graduate? That's the basic question I've been getting from myself and others. I've already been here longer than I should. I want to place the blame on a class or something else, but I've been talking about "the blame game" with a friend and reminding myself that the only thing/person I can blame is myself. I frustrate myself (and my family), but this situation is also starting to make me wonder 1) if this is really my calling? and 2) if it's not, what should I be doing/pursuing? I mean, I'm 25, almost 26 and I'm still single and in school when I thought that by now I'd at least have graduated and started my career, and at least be working towards fixing the single part. I don't even have a "permanent address" b/c I've had to move back in with my parents. But again, I have only myself to blame.

Which I guess vaguely brings me back to the teaser at the beginning and the 2nd half of the title. I saved that for last b/c it's basically just a crush that's grown from a recent friendship. I know, I know! How many times have I talked or hinted at something similar over the course of these posts, only to have nothing come of it? Too many, and it's been like this with me going all the way back to jr. high. I just want to finally strike up that friendship that leads to finding my best friend. I always fall fast, no matter how much I tell myself I want it to just happen slowly, developing from getting to know them better as just a friend. But I'm starting to believe that it is okay to be attracted to each other and still explore the friendship w/o committing to any "relationship status" (that might fall under "it's complicated" on facebook, haha). What do you think? How have you or would you go about something like this? What's worked and/or not worked for you? (I been thinking I need to start making these posts more interactive, so there's your interactivity :-p) .

Oh and if you're wondering what in the world "nerdfighterlike" is, do a quick googling of the word or "nerdfighter" or look up the vlogbrothers on YouTube, or even nerdfighters.com. That should give you a general sense of what I'm talking about. And that's all I'll say about that for now. So, anyways, hope 2009 is going well for you. It's a time of uncertaintly, but it helps to know where your hope lies, which is what is worth focusing on. Despite what I've talked about here, my hope lies beyond a future career or any relationship and I am thankful for that, b/c I can trust it will last longer than either of those other things.

=) Best wishes!